Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Stream of Consciousness?

I'm feeling crippled. I keep thinking of blog topics, but everytime I try to start one, I start thinking about who might read it and it seems that for every topic, there's someone out there who I don't want to share with (a different someone for every topic). Is that silly? Probably. You can't imagine how difficult THIS post is, and I'm not even talking about anything! Sometimes I worry too much about what other people think of me, but other times I don't want someone to think they recognize themselves in my post and take offense. The problem is that I linked the blog to my Facebook and suddenly every one of my Facebook friends now knows when I blog. At the time I thought it was a great idea, and sharing my blog with everyone does appeal to me. I don't mind if everyone reads it. But Facebook makes an announcement, if you will, for every new post. Even if someone completely forgot that I have a blog, they're reminded as soon as I post something. Yes, I'm being absurd. And if I did to this post what I do to all my posts recently, I would delete it right now and go do something else. But now that I've written this much and started analyzing my problem I might as well keep it.

Let's change topics. It always amazes me how quickly 2 hours go by. I'm home all day without much adult conversation, so my days tend to kinda drag by, even when I have a lot to do, but these newborn diaper changes and feedings seem to come up so quickly! D will start fussing and I think to myself, "It can't possibly have been 2 hours already!" but it is. (And someone out there is thinking poorly of my time management...)

Speaking of babies, it seems to be the natural progression of things that people who have decided not to have any more kids are glad to not have to deal with everything that having a newborn entails. They enjoy holding OTHER people's babies at that point and are quite happy to hand them back when they're fussy. I, on the other hand, am in the middle of raising young'uns. But I'm not anticipating moving past this stage too quickly. I don't "get through" diaper changes and midnight feedings by dreaming of the day when I won't have to do those things anymore. I feel like I'm living these days in a sleep deprived fog, but I love it! I get to be Mommy to TWO precious, wonderful, beautiful boys! I am in NO RUSH for them to grow up. Look how much Z has grown and changed in just 2 years! (It's especially more apparent now that D is here.) But I do wonder, will I feel differently when I am at a different point in life? When my kids have their kids and I come out to visit, will I be happy to hand a crying infant back to its mother? I don't know.

Today is Day 2 of being without any help whatsoever. All our family who visited after D was born have flown home and even C has been whisked away to Maryland on a business trip. He'll come home on Friday, then his parents arrive Saturday and his sister arrives Sunday. But that's 2 1/2 days away. During the day it isn't any different, but the evenings are hard. There's nothing to break up the time! No one arriving home from work to punctuate the day. And then, of course, I have to do dinner all by myself. I enjoy baking, and I kinda like cooking, but I hate meal planning. Hate is a strong word, but perfectly appropriate. Are you familiar with Myer-Brinks personality profiles? I would link you to something about it but I don't feel like re-positioning to use the mouse. I have a sleeping baby perfectly balanced on my chest between my forearms so typing is possible but not mousing (is that a word?). Where was I? Oh right, personality profile. I'm a Feeler (as opposed to a Thinker). I make decisions based largely on how I feel about them. So when it comes to deciding what to eat, I evaluate how much I feel like eating a particular item, followed shortly by what sides might accompany it, immediately followed by how much I feel like preparing, cooking, and cleaning up after that item. I usually decide against it. And the process begins again. It seems to be beyond me to make a decision! I'm also not comfortable cooking without a recipe, so that limits me too. And so this is Day 2 of having no idea what's dinner and having no one to help me figure it out.

C, on the other hand, really enjoys cooking, doesn't have nearly the aversion to meal planning that I have, and rarely follows a recipe, let alone needing one. In our family, C is the cook, and I clean up. This actually suits us very well, as long as I help with the preparation before he gets home from work. But he won't be home until Friday and it's only Tuesday...

C finally spent his accumulated gift money, sold off his laptop, and bought a new laptop. The old one had a 17" screen and was quite heavy. This new one is much smaller and lighter. I haven't been on the desktop hardly since the laptop arrived about a week ago! I don't think I would be writing this post now on the desktop. I think our best arrangement with that desktop was when it was downstairs in the living room with the tv. Then it moved upstairs and I stopped using it as frequently, and now it's in the office, and I don't feel comfortable spending lots of time in there when Z is awake and playing out here. This new little computer also has a built-in webcam and we've already been using it quite a bit while C is on this trip. We're planning on broadcasting Christmas morning for family who aren't here too.

Christmas. Our Christmas has been pretty consistent the last 6 years: fly to S. CA and stay with C's parents, Christmas Eve party with his maternal grandparents, Christmas morning with his parents, Christmas Dinner at the house with as many family as we can invite (both his maternal and paternal relatives), then drive three hours and spend a few days with my parents and brother (our "Second Christmas"), then we all drive a few more hours to N. CA for our "Third Christmas" with my maternal grandparents. But this Christmas will be completely different. With D being so young, we didn't want to take him on a plane and risk illness before receiving any vaccines, so we're staying here for Christmas and New Year's. It will be our first Christmas not in California. At least it won't be completely without family: C's parents and sister are celebrating with us.

At this point (the end of the post), I usually reread everything at least twice, make minor and major changes, debate about publishing, finally publish the post, reread another 2-3 times, make more edits, and only really let it go when something interrupts, like C announcing dinner's ready or Z insisting I pay attention to him. I so don't feel like rereading this post! Can you tell?

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ehart said...

Nice to hear from you.

I can't tell you whether you will give your grandchildren up fondly or if you'll savor the moments and just say, "oh, give me the diaper--I'll take care of it." You're doing the important thing right now--savoring every moment.

And don't worry too much about offending people. For one thing, if they are offended, they will either let you know or they aren't really your friends. For another, most people can't see themselves except when it's not them you're talking about.

Jennifer said...

You're right, ehart, I shouldn't worry so much! I like your last line: "most people can't see themselves except when it's not them you're talking about" lol. Thanks :)

ehart said...

You're welcome.