Stream of Consciousness?

I'm feeling crippled. I keep thinking of blog topics, but everytime I try to start one, I start thinking about who might read it and it seems that for every topic, there's someone out there who I don't want to share with (a different someone for every topic). Is that silly? Probably. You can't imagine how difficult THIS post is, and I'm not even talking about anything! Sometimes I worry too much about what other people think of me, but other times I don't want someone to think they recognize themselves in my post and take offense. The problem is that I linked the blog to my Facebook and suddenly every one of my Facebook friends now knows when I blog. At the time I thought it was a great idea, and sharing my blog with everyone does appeal to me. I don't mind if everyone reads it. But Facebook makes an announcement, if you will, for every new post. Even if someone completely forgot that I have a blog, they're reminded as soon as I post something. Yes, I'm being absurd. And if I did to this post what I do to all my posts recently, I would delete it right now and go do something else. But now that I've written this much and started analyzing my problem I might as well keep it.

Let's change topics. It always amazes me how quickly 2 hours go by. I'm home all day without much adult conversation, so my days tend to kinda drag by, even when I have a lot to do, but these newborn diaper changes and feedings seem to come up so quickly! D will start fussing and I think to myself, "It can't possibly have been 2 hours already!" but it is. (And someone out there is thinking poorly of my time management...)

Speaking of babies, it seems to be the natural progression of things that people who have decided not to have any more kids are glad to not have to deal with everything that having a newborn entails. They enjoy holding OTHER people's babies at that point and are quite happy to hand them back when they're fussy. I, on the other hand, am in the middle of raising young'uns. But I'm not anticipating moving past this stage too quickly. I don't "get through" diaper changes and midnight feedings by dreaming of the day when I won't have to do those things anymore. I feel like I'm living these days in a sleep deprived fog, but I love it! I get to be Mommy to TWO precious, wonderful, beautiful boys! I am in NO RUSH for them to grow up. Look how much Z has grown and changed in just 2 years! (It's especially more apparent now that D is here.) But I do wonder, will I feel differently when I am at a different point in life? When my kids have their kids and I come out to visit, will I be happy to hand a crying infant back to its mother? I don't know.

Today is Day 2 of being without any help whatsoever. All our family who visited after D was born have flown home and even C has been whisked away to Maryland on a business trip. He'll come home on Friday, then his parents arrive Saturday and his sister arrives Sunday. But that's 2 1/2 days away. During the day it isn't any different, but the evenings are hard. There's nothing to break up the time! No one arriving home from work to punctuate the day. And then, of course, I have to do dinner all by myself. I enjoy baking, and I kinda like cooking, but I hate meal planning. Hate is a strong word, but perfectly appropriate. Are you familiar with Myer-Brinks personality profiles? I would link you to something about it but I don't feel like re-positioning to use the mouse. I have a sleeping baby perfectly balanced on my chest between my forearms so typing is possible but not mousing (is that a word?). Where was I? Oh right, personality profile. I'm a Feeler (as opposed to a Thinker). I make decisions based largely on how I feel about them. So when it comes to deciding what to eat, I evaluate how much I feel like eating a particular item, followed shortly by what sides might accompany it, immediately followed by how much I feel like preparing, cooking, and cleaning up after that item. I usually decide against it. And the process begins again. It seems to be beyond me to make a decision! I'm also not comfortable cooking without a recipe, so that limits me too. And so this is Day 2 of having no idea what's dinner and having no one to help me figure it out.

C, on the other hand, really enjoys cooking, doesn't have nearly the aversion to meal planning that I have, and rarely follows a recipe, let alone needing one. In our family, C is the cook, and I clean up. This actually suits us very well, as long as I help with the preparation before he gets home from work. But he won't be home until Friday and it's only Tuesday...

C finally spent his accumulated gift money, sold off his laptop, and bought a new laptop. The old one had a 17" screen and was quite heavy. This new one is much smaller and lighter. I haven't been on the desktop hardly since the laptop arrived about a week ago! I don't think I would be writing this post now on the desktop. I think our best arrangement with that desktop was when it was downstairs in the living room with the tv. Then it moved upstairs and I stopped using it as frequently, and now it's in the office, and I don't feel comfortable spending lots of time in there when Z is awake and playing out here. This new little computer also has a built-in webcam and we've already been using it quite a bit while C is on this trip. We're planning on broadcasting Christmas morning for family who aren't here too.

Christmas. Our Christmas has been pretty consistent the last 6 years: fly to S. CA and stay with C's parents, Christmas Eve party with his maternal grandparents, Christmas morning with his parents, Christmas Dinner at the house with as many family as we can invite (both his maternal and paternal relatives), then drive three hours and spend a few days with my parents and brother (our "Second Christmas"), then we all drive a few more hours to N. CA for our "Third Christmas" with my maternal grandparents. But this Christmas will be completely different. With D being so young, we didn't want to take him on a plane and risk illness before receiving any vaccines, so we're staying here for Christmas and New Year's. It will be our first Christmas not in California. At least it won't be completely without family: C's parents and sister are celebrating with us.

At this point (the end of the post), I usually reread everything at least twice, make minor and major changes, debate about publishing, finally publish the post, reread another 2-3 times, make more edits, and only really let it go when something interrupts, like C announcing dinner's ready or Z insisting I pay attention to him. I so don't feel like rereading this post! Can you tell?

The baby's crying, so this is short

I have had very little computer time in the last few weeks, and blogging has not been deemed priority enough to spend my time on. But since I have a few moments (emphasis on few since someone is starting to fuss...) since I have a few moments, I wanted to say that I know this is terribly out of date! There's a belly picture from 21 weeks in the sidebar and the baby's already 3 weeks old!! So I will try to get back on soon and get everything updated. I have all manner of pictures to upload to Shutterfly and videos to upload to the video blog first, but I expect my computer time to increase a little bit, but more on that later ;)

There's something ALIVE in my tummy!

Hello? ...Is anybody there? Hmm, I hear an echo... I guess it's been a while since I've been here! Well, I'm here now, so what should I talk about?

I attend a MOPS group at a large church downtown. They have an organization called Cradle Roll where older ladies mentor expecting and new moms. I let one of the MOPS organizers put my name on the list. About a week later I get a call from Linda. She starts the phone call by asking me if I need anything. Over and over she keeps asking! I don't know her, why would I accept her help? Then she says I should call her back later in the week to schedule a time to have lunch together. I'm thinking, "Lady, I don't know you, why would I call you back? If you want to arrange lunch, why not set up the date now? Why leave the ball in MY court??" Having sold Cutco I know better than to leave it to some unknown person to call me back to arrange something. They never call. Never.

Well, since Baby might arrive before mom-in-law Kim is here to help, I thought I should probably keep Linda's number so she can watch Zachary while I'm in labor. So I called her this morning to arrange to have lunch on Monday since I'll have the car. What does she do? Tells me to call her Monday morning to set it up. Come on!! Why can't we set it up now? I don't understand. I have MOPS in the morning and a dr's appt in the afternoon, having lunch out would be great, but I'd like to have it arranged! She says, "You call me Monday morning and tell me where you'd like to have lunch and what time, 'cause my schedule is completely open." She's real nice and all, but I'm a little frustrated with her lack of willingness to put something on the calendar. Oh well.

Here's a catch-22 for you: your child needs to see the dr for a checkup, because the calendar says so, but he's perfectly healthy. If you don't go, he'll miss his yearly exam. If you DO go, he'll come home sick from all the sick kids' germs on the toys in the waiting room. What do you do? You take him to the dr, because you're a "good" mom. What does it get you? A clean bill of health, followed by days of sick toddler, followed by days of sick pregnant mommy, probably to be followed by sick daddy. Yay!

We got the recommendation for the pediatrician from my OB. I really like my OB, but I'm not so sure about the pediatrician. It was just one short visit, so it's hard to say. I'll be able to form a better opinion in the next few months since we'll be seeing him a lot after the baby comes. Hopefully my first impression will be disproved.

Let's see what else can I complain about? J/k. I don't mean to sound so negative. Oh! I can talk about potty training. Z has no compunction about making our lives more complicated, so he's decided he wants to start using the potty, even though we have a new baby on the way. He's tinkled in the potty once or twice, and passed gas while sitting on it, but that's as far as we got. Now he won't sit on it, he just dances around on the step stool (playing with himself) until the parent loses patience, hauls him out of the bathroom, and puts his clothes back on. (Did I mention he likes to do all this completely in the nude?) I wouldn't mind spending the 20-30 minutes in the bathroom if he would sit on the seat and try to accomplish something, but this playing around with no serious attempt to use the potty is more than my tired, pregnant self can handle. So we haven't really gotten very far. Then the pediatrician tells me that RIGHT NOW is the best time to train. RIGHT NOW. DON'T HESITATE OR YOU'LL LOST THE OPPORTUNITY. I asked if he really meant that considering we have a baby coming so soon. He said it was unlikely that the older child would regress. That wasn't what I was getting at. I meant that was it really a good time to start potty training when the demands on our time and energy are about to increase so much? I mean, I hardly have the energy to potty train NOW, what's it going to be like when I'm 5x more sleep deprived and have another little body to take care? I won't have the 20-30 minutes to stand in the bathroom and watch Z play around. So we don't know what to do. So we haven't made a solid effort for anything.

What else is going on...? My new job is going well. I really like it. I like what I'm doing, and I like the structure and the amount of time it demands.

Hmm, there's a rumbly in my tumbly. Time for something to eat!

Typing hurts my neck

I haven't been much in a blogging mood recently. I'm not sure if it's due to anything in particular, but I do know that this chair is horribly uncomfortable and prevents me spending much time on the desktop these days. We sold the two computer chairs we had because they were large and cumbersome it was easier than fitting them in the truck, leaving us with using either a dining chair or a folding chair, neither of which are tall enough, really, for the computer desk in the office. So I get on the desktop only when I have to, do only exactly the things I need to, and then I go sit on the couch or in the rocker for a while. Which reminds me, I really need to fit that slip of paper with the chiropractor recommendation on it....

Anyway, we've been in the apartment for a month now and it still looks like it did 3 days after we moved in. But we have actually been unpacking. The mess is mostly due to empty boxes, packing material, and homeless items. Most of the items we own seem to be homeless at the moment. Did all this stuff really fit in the townhouse and we had space to walk around?? It seems incredible. We're really trying to motivate ourselves to work harder than we have been. Z's been seeming to be on the verge of out-of-control a little more recently, and we've started wondering if it's because the house is in such chaos, though his room is the most orderly of the house. I don't know if the mess is getting to him, or if it's getting to me and I'm less consistent with him.

The Area Director position thing is still up in the air. Long story short, the gal who was supposed to interview me has decided to resign to spend more time with her ill mom, so they're not sure who's interviewing me, or when.

Okay, that's all that my neck and shoulders can take. Hopefully we'll get a new chair soon.

Prenatal: 32 weeks

This morning we had our first prenatal visit with our new OB... [read more]

Huntsville vs. Nashville = The Same Thing

Well, we've moved! We're now in our new apartment, and our beautiful townhouse is empty and ready for new residents.

The weeks leading up to the actual move weren't too stressful, in hindsight, mostly because we kept listening to each other's nonsense that there wasn't as much to pack as it looked and it wouldn't take much time, so we didn't do nearly enough packing.

The two weekends of moving were nightmares: stressful and hectic. But we got everything here. (Actually, that's not entirely true. There's a hanging storage rack, a workbench, scrap wood, and cans of paint in the townhouse garage. The cans of paint we were planning on leaving behind (they go with the house), but the other stuff we had hoped to get rid off.)

Then we had a few short days to try to unpack. They weren't quite as comfortable as those pre-moving weeks, nor as stressful as the actual move itself. We got things accomplished, but, of course, not nearly as much as would have been nice.

Now C has started work and it's just Z and me here. We're in a different place, our stuff is all in boxes (and therefore impossible to find), but it's the same as it was before all this "adventure": we're bored to tears, stuck in the houseapartment with nowhere to go, and I hate making lunch. Sure, I get work done. I've organized our bathroom and the laundry room, the kitchen's coming along, we can eat at the table and sit on the couch, and most of C's clothes are unpacked, but I don't look forward to doing that stuff. I don't wake up and think "Yay! Another day of figuring out where to stick all the stuff that was previously neatly hidden away in closets!" Have I mentioned that this apartment doesn't have enough closets? It's only 200 square feet smaller than our townhouse, and it was all closet space.

This post is sounding really negative. I don't mean it to be. I'm trying to set up what I really wanted to blog about. The point is that although I LOVE being home with Z, I don't really like being home. I'm tired of not having anywhere to go. There's a little playground near the mailboxes that we've visited a couple times, but it's been raining and the ground is soaked, so that was out today, along with even walking to the mailbox. C's work is really close, so I could drop him off on some days and get the car, but then the question is, where would we GO? I need to join a Meetup group and get involved with MOPS again. But even with those activities, it'll be just like it was in Nashville, and I wasn't entirely happy. Not that being happy is everything! I realize that. But maybe I need to shake things up... Another thing that's been in the back of my mind stems from a post I read on The Happiest Mom.

Have I mentioned my RSS reader before? I'm sure I have. It's how I keep up with all the blogs I read. I think I have around 20 now. They get downloaded to my phone and I read them when I have a moment to myself. I don't have to turn the computer on, and I can even read them when I'm out and about with Z. One of the blogs I read is The Happiest Mom. A recent post was titled "the type of mom you thought you were -vs- the type of mom you are" In the post, the author talks about discovering that she was happier as a mom when she had a job. I recommend you read the post, because it was an excellent post (as they all are) and it will help explain where I'm coming from with this post.

I sent an email this morning to just about every person in my address book with our new mailing address. One of the replies I got was from SR who is an AuPair Director (AD). She said they're looking for an AD in my area, and would I be interested? I know she's at home with her kids, which means it's a compatible position, so I told her I was interested and then asked about 5 million questions about it. I don't know if she's replied yet because my Blogger login is a different Google account than my gmail login because Good Grief you don't want to know! So after I post this, I'll log back into gmail and see what she's sent me.

But am I crazy for even thinking about it? We've just moved to a brand new area, don't know anyone here. We're still living out of boxes (and will be for the next month at the rate we're going) and have a baby due in November. How can I think of taking on the responsibilities of a JOB???

We (C and I) have learned that I'm not very good at the "self-employed" thing. I've always said that I work best under pressure. What that means is that I'm a procrastinator. I don't get things done until someone else is breathing down my neck. Occasionally that someone else is me, but only rarely (like when company's coming and I finally vacuum the cobwebs in the corners, or we're moving and I finally scrub the paint drips out of the bathroom sink). That's why I thrived at Kroll (where I worked full time for about a year and part time for another year) and floundered with Flair (the home business C and I tried to make a go of; the reason I was part time at Kroll).

So, what I want is something to look forward to doing, that I can do from home, around nap schedules (mine included!), yet has some structure, someone to report to, someone looking over my shoulder once in a while. Cutco didn't work for me, but maybe this AuPairCare opportunity will. I don't know. I'm intrigued. I want to do something. I'd love to bring in just a little extra income and relieve some pressure on the budget. I just hope I'm not getting ahead of myself and biting off more than I can chew. Well, all I've done at this point is ask for more information. We'll see what SR says, I'll talk to C, I'll probably talk to my mom about it too. But I tell ya, I'm excited at the prospect!

Townhouse vs. Apartment

So we decided on an apartment in Huntsville. We already have a truck rented and were planning on moving in on Monday, but we chose the one apartment complex with an office that will be closed on Labor Day. But they were able to process our paperwork quickly enough and we signed everything yesterday. Yes, that means we're paying rent for 4 days before we actually move in, but so be it.

Moving into a smaller place really made us evaluate what's important to us in our home! This is what we currently have:

It's over 1500 square feet (although the tax record shows 1618 so that's how it's listed, but it's wrong) and we bought the place new. Because we bought it (as opposed to renting), we've been able to plant a garden, landscape the front, paint walls, etc. Because it was new, we were able to choose the flooring, the colors, have the shower heads raised, and other little things that I can't even remember now. All that goes away when we move into an apartment.

This is what we will be living in for the next year:

It's just over 1300 square feet, so actually it's not too much smaller that our current home. The most striking similarity between the two is the large, open kitchen and the great room. We like the open feeling of not having walls in the "common" living areas. We're not really big fans of hallways. Most of the apartments we walked through last Wednesday seemed so small and dark, and so much wasted space used up in hallways! This one appealed to us so much because of the openness. But we're giving up a patio. There's not even an option for a patio/balcony with the floorplan at this complex. Not sure why. Seems like it would have been easy to put a patio/balcony to the right of the solarium, under the office. We're sad to not even be able to grow tomatoes in containers. We are going to grow some herbs, since they don't need to be pollinated, but that's about all we can do.

(Speaking of tomatoes, we didn't plant any this year because we weren't sure when we were going to move, but one came up from last year. We let it grow, of course. Turns out to produce large yellow tomatoes, a variety that never produced well last year! Funny how that happens. We also have a couple lettuces and turnips that we weren't expecting, and there's a basil plant that somehow came from our neighbor's garden. Do we blame the cats?)

Another feature we're going to sorely miss is the amount of closet space. In our townhome, we have a large storage space under the stairs, two closets in the master bedroom, not to mention an entire one car garage! This apartment has very little closet space in comparison. Although all three rooms DO have walk-in closets! But we're expecting to fill most of the office closet (and some of the office) with most of the stuff from under the stairs and in the garage. I'll be able to put some things in Zachary's closet, but I do want the closets in the bedrooms to be usable, not just full of boxes and such. Because we chose an apartment with (essentially) three bedrooms, we're planning on putting everything in the apartment and not renting a storage unit. If we had chosen a two-bedroom plan, we would not have had the space to put it all in the apartment! As it is, I'm a little concerned whether it will all fit. And it may all fit just fine, but it'll feel like we're living in a storage shed! I'd really like to contain the storage to one area so we can enjoy tidiness in the rest of the apartment. We'll see how that goes. If it turns out that we need to put boxes in our room or the living room, I'm going to insist on buying fabric and turning the boxes into tables!

So these next two days we're supposed to get EVERYTHING packed up, then friends are coming over after church on Sunday to get it all in the truck, then we drive down on Monday, unload (we've hired a couple guys for 2 hours), and that's it!

Pray that we don't bite each other's heads off as the stress builds, and that Z will get some good naps these next two days, since for the last three he's only been able to snag naps in the car, poor thing.